Helpful Mindset or Toxic Positivity?
You’ve just gone through a tough breakup, lost a job, or hit a rough patch, and someone tells you, “Everything happens for a reason.” It’s meant to comfort—a reminder of a bigger picture—but does it actually help?
The Appeal of Toxic Positivity
At its core, toxic positivity comes from our need to find meaning and some relief in difficult situations. When life feels chaotic or unfair, believing that struggles are part of a grander plan can provide comfort. It creates a sense of control, even in moments that are completely out of our hands. Finding meaning in hardships can be healthy, but when it’s forced too soon, it can have the opposite effect. Instead of feeling comforted, people end up feeling like their pain is being dismissed.
Phrases like “Just stay positive,” “Good vibes only,” or “It could be worse” are often used with the best intentions—to uplift, encourage, or motivate. And for some people, they do help. Reframing negative experiences can be a powerful way to move forward. But when positivity becomes an expectation rather than a choice, it creates pressure to suppress real emotions. Instead of helping, it can make people feel like they’re failing at resilience simply because they’re struggling. This can lead to shame, isolation, and emotional suppression, when what’s really needed is validation and space to process.
In Kenyan culture, there’s a deeply ingrained ‘hustle culture’ that glorifies resilience and pushing through struggles without showing weakness. Phrases like “Mambo ni mengi, masaa ni machache” (There’s a lot to do, time is limited), “Si ni life” (That’s just life), and “We move regardless” reinforce the idea that vulnerability is unacceptable. While resilience is important, this mindset can make it difficult for people to express their struggles without fear of being seen as weak or ungrateful.
When Positivity Becomes Toxic
While optimism and hope are powerful, phrases like “everything happens for a reason” can shift from being comforting to dismissive. They create an overgeneralized belief that people should only focus on the positive, even when they’re deeply struggling. This can be harmful because:
- “Just stay positive!” can make people feel like they’re failing if they aren’t happy all the time.
- “Good vibes only.” implies that negative emotions aren’t welcome, making it harder to express struggles.
- “It could be worse.” diminishes a person’s pain instead of validating their feelings.
- “Happiness is a choice.” suggests that struggling people simply aren’t trying hard enough.
- “Look on the bright side.” can feel dismissive when someone is in deep pain.
- “Don’t dwell on it.” implies that sitting with emotions is unhealthy when, in reality, processing them is necessary for healing.
Let’s Put This Into Perspective
Imagine you’re going through a rough time—maybe your mental health has been a mess, your career is at a standstill, or you’re just feeling stuck in life. You finally work up the courage to open up to someone about it, sharing how overwhelming and exhausting everything feels. Instead of acknowledging your pain, they brush it off with “Just stay positive, it’ll all work out.” Or worse, “At least it’s not as bad as what others are going through.”
In that moment, instead of feeling heard, you feel dismissed—like your struggles are just small inconveniences rather than real, difficult experiences. Instead of feeling understood, you feel shut down, as though your emotions are too much for others to handle.
The Impact?
You stop opening up. You tell yourself that maybe you should just ‘get over it.’ You start bottling up your pain because the world only seems to have space for the strong, resilient version of you. But here’s the thing: true support doesn’t rush to assign meaning—it meets people where they are.
Why Toxic Positivity is Unhelpful
Not everything needs to be turned into a lesson or a silver lining. Some things are just painful, unfair, and deeply difficult, and forcing meaning onto them too soon can invalidate real pain. Healing takes time, and not everyone is ready to “see the bright side” when they’re still sitting in the depths of grief, loss, or trauma.
Toxic positivity can also make people feel guilty for not being okay. If they can’t immediately find a reason for their suffering, they may start wondering if they’re failing at healing or personal growth. It also shifts responsibility away from systems and circumstances. Telling someone who has faced injustice, oppression, or systemic failures that “everything happens for a reason” minimizes the reality of harmful structures that need to change.
A More Balanced Approach
So, if toxic positivity isn’t always helpful, what is? Instead of rushing to fix or reframe pain, try offering support in ways that validate and acknowledge what someone is going through.
- “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. That’s really tough.” Simple acknowledgment can be more comforting than forcing optimism.
- “I don’t have the right words, but I’m here for you.” Sometimes, presence matters more than explanations.
- “This is unfair, and I can’t imagine how hard it must be.” Recognizing injustice or hardship without trying to justify it allows someone to feel truly seen.
- “I hope that in time, you find peace and meaning in this, in whatever way makes sense for you.” This leaves space for meaning-making without forcing a specific narrative.
There’s nothing wrong with finding meaning in hardships—if that perspective genuinely helps you. But not everyone processes pain the same way, and forcing the idea that “everything happens for a reason” can do more harm than good.
Let people grieve, struggle, and process at their own pace. Meaning can be powerful—but only when it happens naturally. Instead of rushing to explain pain, the best support is simply being there.
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